Life's answers

My wife and I were sitting in a bar recently, and I must have been staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.
"Do you know her?", asked the wife.
"Yes," I sighed. "She’s an old girlfriend. She started drinking after we split up, years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since."
"Wow!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on Celebrating that long?"
At times like this, I think to myself, you could have married Cherie Blair mate!
But then I think, Cherie's worth a fortune.
I also hear she's the numero uno barrister for Human Rights in the UK.
Missed her vocation, with her looks it should have been animal rights.
Mind you, she got half way there when she married our Tone.
Did you hear Cherrie spouting off about how Tone is advising El Gordo how to win the next election.
That's a bit like asking the captain of the Titanic for sailing lessons.
It's no coincidence that Cherie has started talking to the press, her long awaited book has hit the shops earlier than planned.
Earlier than planned...that's marketing speak for "I got it out before the sh*t hit the fan"
You see, you can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but if the people don't speak English in the first place you can fool all of the people all of the time.
Tone is nobody's fool.
He has now realised that the number one money making business in the world is religion.
That's why we don't hear too much from him at the moment.
He's a Protestant convert to Catholicism already.
I now believe that we will shortly see the Reverend, Father, Rabbi, Imam Pope Tone the 1st as the next Queen of England.
Do you ever wonder about life?
I do.
All the strain, all the pain, and then…nothing.
You die.
But I’ve been thinking.
Maybe, just maybe, someone got it all wrong.
People talk about the Great Architect of life, what if he had the plans upside down?
It does happen.
Maybe what we call negatives in photography are really positives.
We’d all walk around black and white.
And the Earth.
Maybe we should be living inside, not outside.
In one stroke we’d do away with global warming and ozone layers.
No more heating bills.
Aeroplanes would be built to fly in water.
Space would start on the surface.
It all makes sense.
All we’d have to worry about was that no one pulled the plug, the inside of the Earth would fill with water.
And life itself.
We go through the hassle of existing, and what happens at the end.
Nothing…we die.
But what if we started off dead.
First thing we’d know is waking up in an old people’s home, feeling better every day.
You’d know things could only get better.
Then they’d kick you out for being too young and healthy, you could then start collecting your pension, then, all of a sudden when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You’d work for forty years feeling better all the time.
You’d feel fitter, younger, and full of life.
Your teeth would fall back in, you’d de-bald and other parts of you, if you’re a man, would start looking up again.
The longer it went on the more virile you’d get.
One long party until you’re ready to start school.
You graduate on your first day, snog all the girls you could find, and get ready for junior school.
There you’d become a kid, play all day long, no responsibilities, and “George” would be peeking out all day long.
As time went on you’d leave school to become a playschool kid.
Then as you got even younger, oh happy days.
You’d live in centrally heated luxury, nothing to do but sleep and play with boobs all day long.
Your food on tap.
You wouldn’t even have to get up to go the bathroom.
Then someone would turn the lights of and you’d spend your last 9 months in warm peaceful sleep.
And then one day, when your time had really come…you’d finish your life as an orgasm.
Go out with a bang!