Kiss off bullsh*t!

K.i.s.s. - Keep It Simple Stupid.

Corporate Speak…Written English gone mad!

Try this.

“A marketing blog about the intersection of social media, search marketing and online public relations”

This is the subtitle for a blog!

Now I have no doubt the writer really knows blogging inside out.

He has probably forgotten more about copywriting than I will ever know.

But I just read the sentence to my wife, who ain’t stupid, and she said, “What does that mean?”

Now this is what I was saying in my last blog about the self-styled guru’s of the internet.

Make the thing complicated, baffle them with science, and then watch the consultancy fees roll in.

(I have no idea if the writer of the blog concerned is actually selling anything, I never got beyond the title)

The whole point of writing is to get the reader to continue reading.

If they have to stop and work out what your title means, then you have lost straight away.

In writing the whole point of the headline is…to get them to read the subhead.

And the point of that, to get them to read the first sentence.

And then the second sentence.

And if you break that natural flow, even for a moment, you stand a good chance of losing your reader.

Would the writer of the above blog talk like that in the real world?

Use those words?

I think not.

And that is the biggest problem facing a writer.

People tend to write as they think people are expected to write.

They seem to think that the complicated bull makes them sound smarter, it doesn’t.

Nothing can be further from the truth.

Write as if you were chatting.

OK.

What is the first thing we do when we are chatting to a new acquaintance.

We subconsciously adapt to their level.

Speak to them in a language that our subconscious thinks is right for them

To a baby it might be “Hi diddums”, but try saying that to a Manchester United “Neanderthal Man” fan, and you are likely to have your headlights kicked in!

You adapt to your audience.

So before you can write one word, you must know who your audience is, or it’s all a waste of time.

Picture the person and importantly, realise that you are presenting and developing an idea, a thought.

And remember, in your real world conversation, if the person you’re chatting to doesn’t understand what you mean, fine they just ask.

Not possible here.

Your readers, most if not all of them, must understand what you mean with no chance of you clarifying that meaning.

To me the art of true genius is not to understand your art yourself, but to be able to make it sound easy to others.

So make sure you KISS off the bullsh*t.

Have a good one,

Mike

P.s.

Before the author of the blog I mentioned messages me, I admit to being a satisfaction deprived, locationally disadvantaged , melanin-impoverished member of the mutant albino genetic-recessive global minority oppressor who is motivationally dispossessed, factually unencumbered and a sexually focused, chronologically gifted individual. So there.

Translation…A pissed off, lost, white male who is lazy, ignorant and a dirty old man.

Before you go...

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

How You Can Win on the Internet

What is the big deal here?

I read so much online about self-styled internet gurus.

All selling their secret magic formula which has to be paid for within seven days or the spell wears off.

It seems to me that the internet is turning into a bottomless pit for unsuspecting mugs.

The internet is not some secret, sleeping giant which can only be released by those who are in possession of the magic spell which is only available from those in “the know”.

What is this big secret, this instant riches bonanza?

There is none.

The internet is no different to the world as we’ve always known it, except it's in the here and now.

Everything you’ve ever learnt can be applied to the internet with only small adjustments.

Sales and marketing is no different just because it takes place between a keyboard and the punters monitor.

Yes you do need to adapt, and anyone with a bit of common sense and able to read can perform quite nicely on the internet.

Talking about performing…nah that’s for another blogJ

They say there’s nothing new under the sun, and that goes for the internet too.

As in any new venture it’s the person who identifies a basic need, and fills that need with a product or service that the punters need and want who will be successful.

Forget the get rich quick scams, concentrate on providing a service that people want.

So how does the internet differ to the “real world”?

It’s called the attention span.

Look at a TV advert, the normal length is 30 seconds.

I know there are longer ads smartarse, but by far the most often used length is…30 seconds.

Now it’s not because the advertiser is too tight to spend his hard-earned readies on anything longer, it’s because 30 seconds has been identified as the amount of time that people will concentrate on something!

Ye I know that a great body and not many clothes may get your attention for longer, (note the asexual wording there, no sexist here) , but for you to get a message over to Mr Average, you have just this 30 second time span.

Actually it’s tragic, at a time when the written skills of most of the worlds new generation have never been so bad, here comes a medium in which you sink or swim by just those same skills.

Everything you do or have done in the past in a face-to-face situation now has to be done by word and graphics alone.

Master the art of marketing and copywriting on the net and you will make money.

Before you go...

A priest, a minister and a rabbi were all sitting at a table finishing dinner and discussing theology. Suddenly an angel appeared before them.

"I have been sent to grant each of you one wish," he said. "Who will go first?"

The catholic priest stood up. "I wish for the destruction of all Protestants!"

Then the protestant minister bolted up. "I wish for the destruction of all Catholics!"

The rabbi kept seated, so the angel asked, "How about you? What do you wish for, Rabbi?"

The rabbi answered, "Well, if you're going to grant their wishes, I'll just settle for another cup of coffee."

To make you think!

“Success or failure in business is caused more by the mental attitude even than by mental capacities.”...Walter Scott, novelist

If I could wish for my life to be perfect, it would be tempting, but I would have to decline, for life would no longer teach me anything...Allyson Jones

Without dreams life goes backwards...Me!

Have a great week,

Mike Samuels

Comparison of Economic Models

Basic principles from Communism to Fascism…and a few in between!

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belongs to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

Niche Marketing

The buzzword for success on the internet today is “niche”.

Find the right niche and success is assured.

I go along with that, but in the words of the song “If I only had time, only time”

Running a business requires skills in all kinds of areas, which means that the budding entrepreneur has to master many different aspects of the commercial world.

This is where niche marketing falls down.

It assumes that the businessman has the time and inclination to access many different websites and read a similar number of specialist “niche” blogs to acquire the information and knowledge he needs.

By the way, sod Political Correctness, “he” is much quicker than writing “he/she” or trying to find alternatives to satisfy the loony left. So “he” it will be!

Anyway back to our poor businessman.

(I just ran spellchecker on this blog…the first correction? Businessman should be businessperson! Are they real? Take a bow Microsoft)

“My Take” sets out to provide a balanced view of the business world today, but taken as the whole and not one particular part of it.

A big part of business success also involves keeping up with the world as a whole, and trying to be one-step ahead of not only the competition but also changes that will affect such things as raw material costs and taxes.

If you take a successful meeting or lecture as an example, the host or speaker has managed to find the right balance between the heavy, the not so heavy and the downright funny. A good laugh is a great aid to memory!

My view is a blog should try to be similar, laugh while you learn.

Hopefully, all these and more you will find in My Take.

And please remember blogging is a two-way thing.

You can add to the value of the information here with constructive response to my posts. The good and the bad.

Ask questions, suggest topics to be covered and if you want to add to the points covered, please feel free to do so.

Now the important stuff!

Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm Nussbaum Brothers.

After many years they decided to anglicise their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the Nuss Brothers.

After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on she should answer the phone as “Nuss Brothers.”

“I quit,” said Ethel.

“But why?”, asked Peter, “The pay and benefits will be the same!”

“Yeah? Well, YOU answer the phone then. I don’t want to answer and find that the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say….. “Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?”

Management Lessons

I came across a problem today which occurs in companies of all sizes.

In fact you’ll find it anywhere you care to look.

They are a very good, progressive amateur theatre company, so good they were the first amateur group in the world to be given permission to stage such shows as Evita and The Rocky Horror Show.

In their case the problem is communication and control.

Allowing young people to show their initiative, flair and artistic talent, while at the same time ensuring that their encouragement doesn’t lead to delusions of grandeur.

This then becomes a recipe for discontent amongst the other members of the group.
There is a fine line between encouraging initiative and lack of control.

Being so good at what they do often leads to problems in other areas.
An old English expression springs to mind, horses for courses.
It means that you choose the best people suited to the job in hand.

In the past I worked with a double glazing company in England.

Really go-ahead.

They hired the top salesman from the biggest company in their field to be their Sales Manager.

He flopped badly.

His forte was selling, not man management.

Two very different things.

In both these cases they had the problem of adapting from being top in their field to actually showing others how to perform.

Most small businesses are started by people who are high up the ladder for skill at their chosen profession.

Great at the “hands on” stuff.

But to then hire, train to their standards and control a team to work with them presents very different problems.

There is no quick and easy fix.

Each problem that arises must be looked at closely and rectified.

Better still is to anticipate the problems before they arise.

And this is where management skills are so important.

I’m sure that everyone reading this is a star at what they do.

The finest way to start is to lead by example, encourage and praise your team.

Whilst at the same time watching for signs of the problems which will arise, no matter how hard you try to avoid them.

Take the time to learn the art of management, read and look at the problems of others.

See how they solved them and how they ensured the problems wouldn’t arise again.

Remember this is your blog as much as mine.

Let’s make “My Take” a forum for sounds and constructive advice.

Share your experiences, ask if you have problems and share your experiences with others.

***********

Talking about management...

BLAMESTORMING-- Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER-- A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS-- The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY-- The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM-- An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING-- When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO-- The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs-- Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY-- A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE-- The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE-- The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404-- Someone who's clueless. (From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located.)

OHNOSECOND-- That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFies-- Well Off Older Folks

Oh yes,

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. from the -The Irish Times, Washington, DC